Detoxification

I look odd.

I mean I’m still recognizable as myself I just look, well, odd. It’s a bit like seeing myself through a fuzzy filter and as much as I would like to attribute this to my tired eyes, I know I’ve let the upkeep slip. I know I’m aging. This is just not what I expected. I expected wrinkles and sagging but the fuzziness – dullness, dryness, general wumpyness – didn’t see that coming.

As I strive for balance I can’t ignore that being in my 40’s, jumping up every day to make the donuts and then rushing home to chase around a 2 year old isn’t adding to my erosion of youth. I put my hands on Stella’s perfect rosy skin and see my mother’s hand, crisscrossed in lines.

But put aside all the martyr-rific isn’t aging a bitch stuff for a moment. I can’t change how my multiple roles, work stress and the toll of pregnancy and delivery has affected me – but I also can’t turn a blind eye to what I’m doing to me.

To congratulate myself on striving for balance, I unconsciously decided that drinking half my body weight in caffeine and the other in beer is not only okay but a necessary part of the process. Not sure what the correlation is there but it’s a fact I’ve been ignoring. And really, since Stella was born, I have given myself a pass on exercise and grooming.

So. I can either mourn my youth with a Venti cinnamon dolce latte and one of those Starbucks muffins that I pretend has no calories, or I can get off my dimpled butt and attempt to shore up the good stuff I got left.

To start, I gotta rein in the rampant reward system and I think I know what will do the trick.

For the last decade, I have fallen in and out of the Living Beauty Detox Program by Ann Louise Gittleman. She first enlightened me about the hormones in the chickens and all the other bullet points we know so well now. It’s been a few years since I’ve taken on a seasonal detox, but it’s time to bring it back. After a week of a very restrained diet, and some seriously stinky tea, I will emerge with a genuine appreciation of every sip of alcohol, every taste of cheese and generally it wakes me up to be AWARE of everything I put in my body. (And hopefully a little lighter.)

And now, I'll just hope I don't kill anyone in a caffeine free rage.

The Stowaway

On Flight #729 out of LaGuardia, hell bent to made good on my balance treaty, it struck me why embracing the balance beast is so difficult. Because it’s in constant motion. I think I have been looking for ultimate fix. And that’s just not going to happen. So I decided to tackle the most pressing concern.

Balance Treaty need #1: BRING DOWN MY STRESS LEVEL.

When I’m at work, I worry about my family. So I cut work short to be with them and end up worrying about work. It’s a vicious cycle that's wearing me down. Though I’m working on ways to lighten my workload (more to come on that), my upcoming trips cannot be impacted.

Now, sitting in seat 9D, desperate to get home after a 3 hour delay, the idea of taking Stella with me on a business trip was genius. When the full realization hit me that I was hauling my 2.5 year old from Dallas to Los Angeles where we would spend 10 hours on a closed set filming iced tea being poured into a heavily spritzed glass, attend a long pre-production call in another studio and stay at a less than kid friendly hotel - the genius started to look a lot more like insanity.

Overall, it went really well. Now, I won’t lie. The days of packing and planning felt at odds with an act that was supposed to lower my stress and once underway, I did have more than a few flustered mommy moments. Like the 20 minutes it took to get the car seat into the rental car while the rental car staff looked on amused. (I was sweating so hard that when Stella actually got in the seat she claimed it had pee pee on it.) Or doing the desperate catch-a-chicken chase when Stella took a ferocious poop and wanted nothing to do with getting changed. Doesn’t really telegraph Strong Professional Woman to the non-kiddo crowd. (And who really wants a that biohazard in their trash?)

But getting through LAX airport was probably the worst of it.

First off, if you haven’t had the pleasure, it’s like landing in a third world country. People and bags and pets and languages all holding Starbucks and headed to and coming from every direction. Stella eased through the crowd with that 2 yr old security that everyone will simply get out of her way. I, however, was dragging all of our belongings like a sherpa heading up Mt Everest in high traffic. I was pre-panicking about the car seat installation and I needed her to Just Come On. We had a meeting to attend but Stella was taking her sweet time and no calling of her name, happy pleading, it sounds like sweet-talking but I’m really threatening you voice could make her pick up the pace.

So I went in for the bribe. I told her when we got to the hotel, we were going SWIMMING. She let out a happy yelp, opened up her “pack pack”(pink rolling suitcase with butterflies), yanked out her “schwimmin’ soup” (and everything else), peeled off her dress and plopped down naked in the middle of the airport and requested I slip it on her.

On TV, I guess the mom would have serenely smiled and had a laugh at the crazy comedy of life with a 2 year old. I am not a TV mom. I completely lost my cool. When I quickly bent over to grab Stella’s dress, my shoulder bag fell forward spilling the contents all over my naked child. When I spastically stuffed our belongings into whatever bag was open, Stella took off running, yelling “I neked!” and I stumbled after her screeching her name like a hyena. (Voted Mommy Most In Need of a Drink by all those who witnessed this mad scramble.)

And I will report, flustered mommy moments and bribery backfires included – it was all worth it.

She was great on set, running around discovering and charming the pants off of everyone. But best of all, toward the end of our work day, I felt at peace. I loved listening to Stella chattering away next to me, turning anything she touched into a toy, while I approved shot after shot with focused clarity. And at the days end, I wasn’t racing to catch a plane, stressing to get on the earliest flight and arriving home exhausted and having missed bedtime. This time, when the work was done, I packed up my child, went to the hotel and we swam until bedtime.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

I made the effort and it paid off. And for the moment, the balance is swinging my way.